Hi Barbara,
Thanks for reconnecting. Someone told me that you had inquired after
Undine on a blog for Elm Court, where we used to live. I am Undine's
youngest brother Kevin. I remember you well from when the years when
we lived at Gulf Mills.
I am so sorry to confirm your apprehensions. Undine died in July of
2001. She had struggled a very long time with alcoholism, and at age
43 she died of liver failure. Undine had developed a problem with
alcohol pretty much ever since college at St. Lawrence University, but
our family was pretty obtuse about recognizing it until the late 90s,
when it became pretty apparent at a family reunion. Even so, in the
regrettable dysfunction of our dealing with it, we were not effective
in helping her confront, let alone overcome, her addiction until we
finally did a major intervention as a family in '98. This resulted in
her agreeing to go with me to undergo treatment and spend time in a
very therapeutic place called the Pavilion in Asheville, NC for a
month, at the end of which time we all went down to support her
resolve to stay sober and live as a recovered alcoholic. Undine had
one very good year following that, which I am thankful for, and got to
reconnect in meaningful ways with her then teenage daughters. Undine
had two identical twin girls in 1984 (Undine and Hilary) and a third
daughter in 1987 (Alyssa). They are all now wonderful young women,
remarkably open and positive. They would I'm sure, remind you of
Undine herself. I was especially glad that Alyssa got that extra year
with her mom, because of the three she was probably the hardest hit by
Undine's addiction, and spent the most alone time with her, often
taking care of her. In spite of an increasingly debilitating problem,
which had resulted in many harrowing episodes of emergency trips to
the hospital, detox, etc, Undine remained at core a very life-
affirming person and mother, with a wicked sense of humor and fierce
love for her daughters. Her relationship with her husband, Chris, was
more complicated and, in brief, was not one of support for overcoming
her addiction. They separated and she lived nearby. Unfortunately,
in one of the AA programs she had attended in the years before the
intervention, she had befriended a man who was an alcoholic. They
moved in together and for a time they supported each other in not
drinking, but then unfortunately enabled each other in drinking
again. After a month of relapsing she died.
In spite of the fact that she had a severe drinking problem for
virtually her entire adult life, Undine had an effect on others that
was remarkable. Nobody laughed harder nor judged people less. She
took real joy in the happiness of her children and friends, and was a
very empathetic listener to other's problems, even as she struggled to
suppress the consequences of her own. I know she regretted falling
victim to the power of alcohol and felt few could understand it; even
so she was never resigned to it, always feeling she would overcome it
in the end (a promise she made to me nearly every time I saw her). I
know she didn't want to die young and miss out on all she could see
unfold, especially in her daughters' lives.
Of all her childhood friends, you really do stand out in my memory.
Particularly your infectious laugh, which we often talked about. I
remember being quite tickled (maybe when I was 4 or 5) at eliciting
the prized B.J. Wanamaker laugh from my perch in the backseat when we
were driving you somewhere (probably home from visiting our house).
When I told my mom you had inquired after Undine she asked me to send
along her best. She is doing ok now, living in Boulder CO. Of
course she was devastated by Undine's death, and no one tried more
than my mom to help her, rescuing her countless times when she was at
her worst, looking into endless therapies and ideas, none of which
ultimately helped.
My parents divorced in the early 90s and both remarried, although my
mom's 2nd marriage lasted only a year, but she now has a very
supportive companion. My brother Mark had lived in Boulder (married,
two kids) but got called to work directing the Nature Conservancy in
CA and recently he took on work heading up a climate change initiative centered in SF. Me, I'm a documentary filmmaker
living in NYC, married and two young kids. If you ever swing by these
parts let us know; we'd love to see you. And if you ever want to get
in touch with Undine's daughters I can pass along their info. As I
mentioned, they are three wonderful spirited women and I have no doubt
they would enjoy hearing from someone who knew their mom so long ago.
I'm fairly certain no one who knew Undine from that time (other than
family) has ever talked to them about their mom.
It would be great to hear what you have been up to all these years,
whenever you find the time.