AIM IM with hudjumama
9:59 PM
hi
howdy
i think i talk to you more when we’re not togther
i’m living a nightmare
she’s insane
what’s up
after her nap everything seemed to be fine
we made a smoothie
then packed for an adventure to take toby for a walk in a place we had to drive to
and we got back and i wanted to bone the chicken
but ed was in the back working so we stopped to talk for him as short as possible
which was a long time
meanwhile, all day she had been playing this cinderella game
where she was cind. and sevi was another person
on our walk, for instance, she said sevi was still sleeping in the car,
and we talked about how she might get out when she woke up and catch up to us
then suddenly she said, here she is, and she took “sevi’s” hand
but at various points she would lash out at me if i got the game wrong, i.e., by mistake called her sevi instead of cinderella
so as i was boning the chicken she decided to watch instead of go play
and she wanted to play cinderella and it was all about how she was going to take sevi away from me to cinderella land and not bring her back, etc.
so kind of provocative in itself, but ok
so it happened again that i made some mistake and she shouted at me.
so i said, ok, this is not a good game for me, i can’t play it, b/c i don’t know the rules, and you change the rules, and i don’t like you shouting at me and then crying, etc.
but then she got fixated on the fact that she wanted ME and me alone to play this game w/ her
so i got her to agree that or understand that it was hard on me and that while she protested that she “promised” she wouldn’t yell at me i had her understand that if she did that i would have to quit
in other words i gave her one more shot
well of course it didn’t pan out
eventually she took my advice and left the room and got some distance until we could be nice to each other
and after that she was
but in a weird way, too, in that kind of guilty way, overly affectionate, as if she were worried that she were going to make me angry
you there?
yep
she’s getting complicated
the game thing
yes, and it’s too much
is something we have to work on
i’m at my wit’s end, as they say
most games I play with her
“WE”????
she likes to initiate the game
it’s just me here, flying from a flagpole
twisting in the wind
but whenever there’s any element that doesn’t go her way
she throws a tantrum
it stands to reason
games are frustrating
it’s that, and that’s a good observation, but it’s not just that
she has to learn the ups and downs of them
we had a problem going to bed, too. i was concerned that she would have trouble falling asleep
so i made the choices clear
go upstairs and ablutions and to bed
or stay down here some more while i do dishes and then do all that
she said emphatically, even after i questioned it, that she wanted to go up
well, of course, came time to say g’night and she flipped
wasn’t tired.
you could say that i should have just gone w/ my own instincts and not let her have the choice
but i think she’s old enough to have choices
sure
choices make her feel empowered
but i have to say i was upset when she pulled that on me, and further started CRYING rather than talking
she’s almost worrying me that she’s bipolar or something
may sound extreme
but i don’t know
i don’t know what’s “normal”
I don’t think that kind of thing manifests itself at 3-4
no, but could have incipient signs
don’t worry about it
or even if not, it was a taste of what terror it could be if it were to happen later
i’m just becoming consumed w/ the thought that this was a bad, bad, BAD idea and i’m stuck, stuck STUCK
10:15 PM
I think you’re being overly dramatic
your in a beautiful little town in Vt
in a nice little house with a garden
i think you don’t have enough hormones zinging around your body
that’s true too
yes, and i haven’t had a chance to READ ONE WORD
my fantasy was to spend time reading teh parenting books
and get better at it
ha
just at the moment i most need it i can’t
i’ve given up on the idea of the guitar altogether
don’t you EVER piss and moan to me again about how little whistle time you get
how could i do any of that if i’m still so behind on my work?
couldn’t
can’t
won’t
10:20 PM
well goodbye then
you have 1 problem
no free time
no
i have two problems
not “enough” owrk time (none until tomorrow)
and no free time
it’s the same problem
no it’s not
i would not be so flipped if all i lacked was free time
and it could’ve or might still be solved by finding the resources that you imagined would be there fore that
that would feel like a luxury
I don’t know what happened to them
or why this didn’t pan out as anticipated
part of it was fantasy
the playdate switching — ppl have lives
already established and it’s hard for an outsideer to work into them
Aren’t there teenagers looking for this kind of work
can’t the gardener recommend any
the other part was fantasy b/c i thought “oh well, at worst i’ll stay up for 3 hrs each night after she goes to sleep and get done what i need to even if i can’t find babysitting”
or anyone else recommend any
well, no go on that
is there no one in Rutland or any outlying community
yes, i’m sure i’ll get some babysitting, even maybe as much as 2 hrs/ morning
and that will help
that’s not enough
but that’s nothing close to what i need
5 hours/ day
would be a start
it just doesn’t seem right that nothing can be found
but I guess we may be spoiled
living in the city
i didn’t say nothign can be found
where everything’s available for a price
but i think this is what i’m going to find
teenagers who can do up to 2-max 3 hrs
alright, i’m tired
i’m wigged
im yuck
going to go
good night
besos
just feel so fucking compromised. i’m doing absolutely NOTHING well. NOTHING. and that pains a perfectionist
i’m not even doing anything mediocre
i feel like i’m in one of those helpless traps
kind of like the end of the semester
when you have all these finals and crap to wrap up
and if you had more time you know you could do it well
but everything comes out like shit b/c you are shit b/c you didn’t plan and you’re not smart enough
i’ve had this feeling a few times before in my life — real paralysis — and i hate it
hate it
stop beating yourself up
you created a stunning essay
yeah, that was then
you’re going to do tremendous work on the show
before i was pregnant, before i was here
you’re a great mom
i’m not
present doubts notwithstanding
Of course you will
Don’t know what those things have to do with it
10:30 PM
what you need to do is sleep
because clearly you’re not getting enough
and nothing will work unless you get more
fuck everything else
and particularly fuck the newsletter
i have fucked the newsletter
good
and myself in the process
probably
no
you’re pregnant
you feel awful
too bad for them
they can wait for it
you’ve waited countless times for others
who have missed their deadlines REPEATEDLY
and now YOU feel bad?
i feel bad about sevi
she deserves better than me
oh horseshit!
stuck here w/ this nightmare
parenting is hard
poor kid has turned herself into cinderella who escapes to cinderella land and takes sevi there away from me
and without all the problems encountered the kid learns nothing, makes no progress
Yes, well we all want to go to Cinderella-land
at times
and this is her first way of figuring out its possible
it’s actually very empowering
to control your reality that way
Eventually you come to grips with what the imagination offers and where it falls short
I’d be more worried if she were just a stolid little drone
doing all we said
QUESTION AUTHORITY
–Thoreau
yes i know and it worries me sometimes when she IS too obedient
but i wish she would figure out a nicer way to be disobedient
if you knwo what i mean
What I’m trying to figure out is some zen kind of way
to use her opposition
to arrive at a solution
without bringing my opposition into the equation
a pipe dream admittedly
but maybe something in that direction
also, grappling with the attempt to embody
the things we want to teach her
rather than simply telling her
she also needs to understand certain bottom line behaviors that are acceptable and not acceptable
which always rings horribly false
Well that’s harder
She can be told
i.e. she needs to talk, not yell or cry, to get across her opinion
but bottom line is she really needs to experience why they’re unacceptable
for it to sink in
10:40 PM
lessons like driving people away
one thing i said to her today was “have you ever seen an adult cry?” meaning when something minor didn’t go her/his way
or losing friends
etc
I’m not sure that’s the best thing to say
well, that was tonight’s lesson — she drove me away form playing that game w/ her that she so wanted me to play w/ her
SHe’s already hung up enough on the kid/adult dichotomy
the point is, we TALK to her
I think it troubles her
and she can talk back
not yell or cry
those are not viable means of communication
that’s all that meant
“troubles her”?
I think it makes her feel deficient to be a kid
I’m going to start to de-emphasize that
I think it should be more
x makes me so much happier than y because…
where x is good behavior
concrete things
like the book says
and not placing some criterion of value on it
which
because she can’t understand it
just alienates her
and makes her feel deficient
and possibly want to be at some remove from herself
as in Cinderella-land
now look who’s getting dramatic
the point is
she adores herself
if the criticism makes sense to her
I think it’s less scary
thinks she’s the cat’s meaow
in fact we had a discussion about “humble”
than if she perceives it as wrong in our eyes but doesn’t get why
And you of all people are 90% of the time sensitive to this
yes, that’s all good and you’ve read well
i’m more like 30% these days
well
I don’t know of anyone so sensitive to it
Like you
she’s hard on herself maybe
she has a real touchiness
about her dignity
wow, i’ll say
and her control of situations
jon played a game yesterday of pushing her off-balance when she was squatting
and she looked at him in mistrust, but not doing anything
so he thought he should keep trying w/ this joke
and you can imagine, she ended in hysterics
the only breakdown she had yesterday
I guess I can’t tell from the description
but it does sound a bit malicious
yeah, it wasn’t artfully crafted
but she really didn’t need to take it so badly
she’s not into that kind of thing
SO badly
that too
unless she really knows the person
and even then it’s dicey
she’s not physical — doesn’t like to be rough-housed
of which this was a mild form
I suppose if I’d run around the apt with her like a torpedo
as Matthew and Leo do every day
she’d be inured
10:50 PM
speaking of them, maybe you can catch a movie w/ one or the other while you’re there.
i feel a rift
perhaps
only there’s really nothing playing
that might be bridged by that
or not a movie — something
I saw The Corporation, which I highly recommend
but not w/ the kids
I don’t know about a rift
we had a great picnic
and haven’t seen em since
i saw beth on t he street after — i told you
you should get to bed
what’d she do
and showed her the sono
and i felt some coolth
kind of trying to get out of there
kind of fidgety eyes
well it’s the exact same situation
as when she came up to tell you she was pregnant
now reversed
i’m guessing it really did hurt that comment i made, “you guys really have the life”
sure she didn’t want to be
NO not at all
she didn’t want to be
she has 2 kids
she’s not trying
it doesn’t matter
you’re fixating on that comment
i never would have told her if i knew she was trying and ESPECIALLY if i knew they were having difficulty
I doubt either of them remember it
just go see one or the other of them
and that will plant a nice seed
I’ll try calling
how did the adk invite end up
did they say no
or did you have to say it’s no longer extended
she said i messed up the dates, and instead of correcting them i just said that it wasn’t really going to work out anyway
kind of got lost in static, which is fine
on both sides
they wouldn’t have come
i think that’s correct
anyway get to bed
yet
yep
10:55 PM
nice talkin’
soignedoroetcolorati
even tho i made myself cry
i so much prefer writing
besos
who ever said writing wasn’t as intimate as talking
especially since you can save a copy of the conversation
for posterity
just go to file save copy
oh, pls do — i havne’t any idea how
you do it
we don’t need two
fine
night
oh ok. smooch
come back soon
wildew
miss you
misew
you lots
miss
do I
hug me to sleep…
hudge!
hudge!
‘night love dove
you get the last word (that last one — this doesn’t count, just protocol)
hudjumama has gone offline.